June 25, 2011 / 6:03PM 1 note

Employ with severe discretion

An All-Purpose DIY Anxiolytic and Dopaminergic Tonic.

The curative properties of this formula must not be underestimated. Its sincere and faithful application guarantee speedy relief of plaints relating to vapors, hysterias, moon-sickness, unrequited love, intestinal binding, dropsy and ague.

You shall require:
  • One (1) bicycle
  • One (1) portable music player with headphones
  • The most righteously indignant music you own* (on player)
  • One (1) retention pond
*I suggest Horace Andy, pil, Team Dresch, and a good mix of ’80s California hardcore.

Proceed as follows:
  1. Set player volume to maximum.
  2. Affix headphones to ears.
  3. Mount bicycle.
  4. Go careening around town as hard and fast as systemically possible, hollering lyrics at the top of your seared lungs.
  5. Cackle maniacally at onlookers.
  6. Avoid by a hair’s breadth somersaulting into retention pond.
  7. Apologize to frightened waterbirds nearby.
  8. Rejoice in astronomical heart rate. Exhale.

NB: the creators of this tonic are to be held harmless for injurious contact with squares, cops and avian excreta

Notes

  1. punkrockhousewife posted this
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